News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
