me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
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My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
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Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
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