I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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