I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
