"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
