Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
