We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
The struggles of a small town man whore
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
