And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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