hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Randomize
