its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
