I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I touched a dick in church today
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
