Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
