so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
