I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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