I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
