Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
did i just pee glitter
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
