I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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