i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
