I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
