why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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