Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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