i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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