Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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