Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
