I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
