How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
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The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
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I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
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