So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
