so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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