I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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