After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
did i walk over a car last night?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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