Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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