is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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