my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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