i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
