I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
