Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
