my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Randomize
