Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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