i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
