I met the friendliest cop last night
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Randomize
