Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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