I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Randomize
