At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Houston, we have a squirter
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
