..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
