all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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