Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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