morning after pill = breakfast in bed
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I came so hard my ears popped.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
