I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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