at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
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Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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