I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
