he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
