so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
