I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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