I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
