If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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