do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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