Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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